


Odachi

by drelfina



Series: Sword Spirit AU [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Founders Era, Gen, It makes sense, Jubokko, Surprise cameos for everyone!, crack taken barely seriously., it's a little top heavy trust me, my sense of humour, no real pairings unless you want to see it, read if you trust me don't read if you don't, scholar!Tobirama, shinobi being shinobi, squint i guess, sword spirit au, trust me i'm very funny, youkai of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:41:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23977633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: It all started out like a normal mission.Simple. Easy. Just go there and kill someone. That would have been normal.Then Kagami saw a sword and had to pick it up because Uchihaloveswords, alright?Alright?It was not hisfault.AKAThere're reasons you don't take mission trophies like anidiot.
Relationships: Senju Tobirama & Uchiha Kagami
Series: Sword Spirit AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728838
Comments: 107
Kudos: 244





	Odachi

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ValidAsshole](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValidAsshole/gifts), [SilverUtahraptor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverUtahraptor/gifts).



> so so so this is actually probably ValidAsshole's fault for getting real excited for one specific scene, Silverutahraptor's encouragement, Evocates' help in worldbuilding (though Evocates probably literally forgot that they talked about this fic _ever_.) 
> 
> Another completely cracky fic, but hey it _probably_ makes sense. Somewhat. 
> 
> Probably.

It had started out like a perfectly normal mission. 

Everything had been absolutely completely, one hundred percent normal. 

Go and kill the mass-murdering missing-nin, he'd been told. 

Should be simple enough for one of your first solos, he'd been told. 

It wasn't like the mass-murdering missing-nin was that powerful; their clan hadn't had any particular bloodline limit except for whatever they'd apparently managed to steal, or marry, and everyone knew that clans like the Uchiha and Hyuuga kept a very close eye on members who were stealable. 

So really it should have been an easy mission. It was a perfectly normal mission. Just go and kill the missing-nin who was stabbing people to death. Easy. 

Mass-murder missing-nin had been… well, murdering willy-nilly, and the Daiymo had been fed up enough about it to pay them to get rid of the issue; uncontrolled mass-murder was bad for farming, especially since said murderer didn't do the right thing of incinerating the bodies like a civilised person, and left them out there to be found by screaming farmers. 

Bad fertilizer, that. 

Exceptionally bad for business too - you don't go _killing_ for no reason, that was literally offering services for _free_. And you shouldn't be leaving the bodies around like a bad case of littering, _especially_ in cities. 

City-civilians had a notoriously delicate constitution, unlike screaming farmers, but then, city-civilians had deeper pockets. Which was why Kagami was here, having tracked the mass-murderer down via the literal trail of bodies to one of the larger cities which was _thank every one of his ancestors_ not the capital city. 

_That_ was a little too close to the Daimyo and his court for one, and while the Daimyo had flung this mission at the Uchiha which meant he really wanted the problem to go away in a _burn it, burn it with FIRE_ sort of manner, the Daimyo didn't actually _like_ the uchiha. 

Kagami heard it was because the last time Madara-sama was in Court, the Senju had provoked Madara-sama's temper, but the Daimyo apparently was never going to forgive the Uchiha for burning down his East Wing of his Summer Palace. 

(Granted, the Daimyo had _how_ many residences? Seriously, it was just one tiny wing of one palace, Daimyo-sama had three more palaces. )

And worse, _because_ the Uchiha were somewhere in the shit-house with the Daimyo, that attracted a certain kind of fanbase amongst the younger set of nobles. 

The kind who sent Kagami terribly written poems just because he was younger, and didn't cultivate a porcupine's mess worth of hair. 

Izuna-sama had laughed and laughed at Kagami when the first set of poetry had shown up. The problem was that Izuna-sama had a reputation of burning shit down at the slightest provocation _too_ , while Kagami's ability was a lot less showy, and unfortunately, more cerebral. Which, apparently, translated to _romantic_ to that certain subset of nobles. Being able to melt brains shouldn't have been so attractive, Kagami thought, but apparently all that rich capital city food already did pre-damage to their brains. 

So Kagami tried to avoid the Capital if he could help it. 

_Anyway_.

He was here, and like any good shinobi, had been doing what shinobi did best: eavesdrop on gossip like a retired grandmother in the market. 

(Madara-sama might be one of the most powerful Uchiha their Clan had ever seen, but Kagami's grandmother was half-blind and knew everything that was happening across the river, from when Senju Hashirama had first met his fiancee, to when they had fired one of the servants for polishing a floorboard wrong. One, the Senju were fucking nitpicky, and two, Kagami's grandmother was terrifying - imagine having to grow up with someone who always knew who was stealing the mochi from the kitchens all across the compound? Kagami never got any _mochi_ , ever.) 

And the gossip was… well, typical civilian rubbish, something about walking through walls and murdering people in their beds and all that, which Kagami was good at tuning out and parsing for the important bits. 

Minus all the usual mythical shinobi-are-magic stuff, there was a few concerning bits of information that he'd started hearing on the way. 

The Missing-nin's clan had _insisted_ that their missing clan member was completely innocent, while also disavowing any responsibility of his actions, a sort of "he didn't do it, but if he did, it's not our fault" sort of thing that was very common amongst the smaller clans when their shinobi had been caught red-handed; generally they only tried that once when the Yamanaka were around because the Yamanaka were very good at catching _lies_ , but it wasn't like the Daimyo had a Yamanaka mind-reader on retainer. 

Which, alright, easy to discount, except that there were rumours, few and speculative as he'd approached the city (and apparently, the epicentre of more murderings, which he could guess was because of an actual increase in population density, higher chance of them meeting with said mass-murderer) of some sort of haunting. 

Haunted blade? 

Well, some of the civilians had never seen some of the outlandish blades that shinobi could wield, see: the Swordsmen of Water Country, which Kagami had only _heard_ of, and Madara-sama's huge ass gunbai which, uh, Kagami had had the misfortune of standing in the way of once or twice. So _maybe_ the missing-nin having a huge ass long sword was just another piece of ninja equipment they'd never seen before. 

Still, now that he was in the city, he was hearing stories. 

The missing-nin had been testing his blade, goes one, which, gross, and that's not how you go around testing a sword, that was asking for it to be resharpened every day and that was a _waste_ of time. 

Or the sword was a ghost, or a jubokko of some sort that drank _blood_. 

Kagami sat on one of the tallest rooftops to squint at the slightly more touristy part of the city - where there were a higher concentration of hotels and transients. 

A jubokko. And a huge blade at that. A _huge_ haunted blood drinking sword, he was guessing. Which might be just fanciful civilian rantings and stories, but if he combined it with the clan's insistence of his innocence… 

Mind-control wasn't _that_ outlandish, considering who _Uchiha Kagami_ was; though he'd never heard of an _object_ doing it. 

But _theoretically_ it was possible. Right? Maybe? 

And what little that had managed to be squeezed out of the missing-nin's clan was that he hadn't been known to use a _sword_. 

Add that all together and you had something he wasn't sure he liked the picture of. 

Still. 

His mark had only been shown - seen? Heard? - _witnessed_ to have only killed civilians, so it wasn't like Kagami was afraid of taking him down. 

If Kagami was going to have to go up against a mind-controlling jubokko sword, he was confident he could beat a blood-sucking _sword_. Unlike _swords_ , Kagami had a _brain_ after all.

* * *

The fight had been short, brutal, and bloody, but Kagami won _easily_. 

Probably because the guy had been out shopping for food, and for some reason left his blood-sucking mind-control sword behind, and while Kagami had to do some … crowd-control afterwards, it had been easy. 

Kagami _liked_ easy jobs, especially if he didn't have to split the pay of this mission with anyone else, because, hello, solo. 

All he had to do was just bring back evidence of having taken care of the job, and a few witness testimonials - see, delicate civilian constitutions - and a finger or two and he was done. 

He _technically_ could head home except… 

He wanted to see this blood-sucking ghost sword thing.

* * *

The thing about shinobi weapons, especially _good_ ones, was that they were _impressive_. Since he came from a clan famous for fire and also metalsmithing, he knew his blades, alright? And any weapon worth a reputation would look… well. 

Madara-sama's gunbai was impressive for its size, and a lot of people were still not even sure they knew how Madara-sama could _use_ something like that, right until they got a scythe straight in the face. 

Izuna-sama's sword was a thing of beauty, the hilt braided with subdued red and white cording and leather, the functionality of its scabbard highlighted with bright kumihimo cord in silver and silk tassels, as befit the clan heir of the main house. 

The legendary Swordsmen's swords were also supposed to be a) instantly recognisable and b) incredible to behold. Even if Kagami had never _seen_ them, not in person, he knew _every_ detail of each legendary sword, from the tip of every blade down to the last tassel. He could _draw_ them if he wanted. 

He knew weapons, is what he was saying. 

"And this is _not_ a proper fucking blade," he said. 

Because yeah, the sword was long. Sitting innocent and quiescent in the dead guy's rented room. 

Impressive length, he supposed, but he grew up in a clan where impressively long swords were the _norm_. 

There was nothing fantastic about _this_ one. The leather on its hilt was grotty and dirty, and he was fairly sure not all of it was from blood. The scabbard was just battered dark wood, and the straps along its length were simple, worn leather thongs. 

He prodded it with the tip of his own ninjato.

Nothing happened. 

It didn't leap up and try to suck his blood, or even creak ominously. 

It just sat there, like a big long thing that was really, not much better than a somewhat unwieldy polearm. 

"In fact," Kagami said, padding around the sword like a cautious cat, "I think I've seen more interesting bo-staffs." 

The sword did nothing. 

"You're the most boring sword I've ever seen." 

The sword said absolutely nothing in its defense. 

"Maybe the blade?" Kagami activated his sharingan briefly, and yup, still nothing. Not even a shimmering aura of malevolent chakra, unlike the previous, now very dead, owner who had been easy enough to track down by that alone, once he'd narrowed down where he would be. 

But he wasn't holding his breath - any good blade worth its metal, especially one as long as this, didn't get shoved into any old leather scabbard that looked like, now that he was looking closer, repurposed saddle-leather, with the odd rivet or two.

Did he just pick up a sword from the ground, and slaughter a horse (and its rider) for the leather scabbard? Gross. Also, horrendous. 

This sword _obviously_ had no lineage whatsoever. 

He finally reached forward and gingerly grasped the scabbard with one hand, and the other over the hilt, careful not to grip _too_ tightly to the gross leather, to draw it. 

The first glint of the blade, shiny in the pale watery light of the moon, was actually a surprise. 

The edge was keen, the watered steel and the wavy hamon were actually… pretty good. Very good, really. "Oh," he said. 

Kagami blinked a little and drew it further out, exposing a full foot of the steel. "Well," he said, feeling his voice go a little soft in awe, "Well aren't you going to suck me then?" he said, because what was a blade this good doing in a scabbard and housing this shit? It must be - 

"I most definitely will not, you're not old enough," said a voice behind him, and Kagami _shrieked_ , spinning around and flinging the sword at the pale man - 

Who vanished. 

…. 

"A fucking _ghost_!" he exclaimed.

* * *

"Can you - " 

Kagami shoved the sword back into its scabbard again, and the man vanished. 

Pulled it out. 

"- Stop -" 

He shoved it back in. 

Out again. 

"- _stop that_ ," the man said and advanced on Kagami with enough threat that Kagami startled backwards instead of sheathing it. "I have a _headache_." 

"You're a jubokko!" Kagami yelled.

"A _what_ ," the man said, looking incredibly offended. "I am not a _tree_!" 

"A jubokko is something that sucks _blood_ of people!" Kagami waved the half unsheathed sword in the man's direction. 

The man's eyebrow quirked, unimpressed. 

"Why would I do that?" 

"Because _blood and lifeforce_ ," Kagami said. 

"And those are meant to be trees." 

"How would i know?" Kagami said. "You're a sword version jubokko, I _guess_ , look at you being all -" 

He waved the sword even more. The tip caught on the man's long sleeves, and Kagami overbalanced, falling over onto his face. 

The man stepped forward and nudged his tabi-clad toes in Kagami's face. "Jubokko," the man said, "can suck blood because they have roots. Does it _look_ like I have roots?" 

"You have a mouth!" 

The man stared down at Kagami while Kagami stared up at him. 

"You are being completely illogical," he said, finally. "While I suppose I can only expect so much from …" his gaze swept over Kagami, and Kagami couldn't help but feel _judged_ , "a _shinobi_." 

Oh and that was _disdain_ dripping from his words. 

Kagami was getting judged by a blood sucking sword for being a _shinobi_.

"Hey!" Kagami said, scrabbling to sit up. 

The sword slid back into its scabbard at the change in angle. 

The man vanished _again_. 

Kagami yanked the scabbard off so he could continue yelling. 

"Hey, you don't leave the conversation while I'm talking!" 

The man sniffed. "You're the one playing with my scabbard." 

"And you're the one murdering all those people and _mind-controlling_ people!" Kagami yelled. "You don't have any right to complain about shinobi when you're killing people _indiscriminately._ For _free_!" 

"Mind-controlling people," the man said, blood-red eyes narrowing, his silver eyebrows furrowing closer, looking increasingly insulted the more Kagami hurled perfectly justified judgment back at him. "Does it look like _I_ can mind-control people?" 

"You're a… a too-pretty guy dressed in super-old fashioned clothing being a stabby, blood-thirsty sword hiding in a shitty scabbard! Of course you have evil creepy mind-control powers!" 

Which were, Kagami thought virtuously, nothing _like_ his own mind-control powers. Or even anything like a Yamanaka's mind-reading jutsu. 

So there. 

Just because the sword was _pretty_ didn't mean he could get away with disdaining a perfectly honourable and viable job like stabbing people in the back for good hard gold. 

And he was. Really pretty, that is. 

All these… lithe tall… _lines_ under the very straight drape of blue, and white robes, the print on his hakama shimmering silver in moonlight, looking more like ripples of water than embroidery, and his - his stupidly long loose hair, all silver-light that trailed in a wind that Kagami _most_ definitely wasn't feeling. 

Sharp fine features, delicate like the watered folds of his blade, the only thing that really marked him out as … as inhuman was the youkai glow to his prettily arched red eyes, and… well, his _everything_. 

"Blood-thirsty," the sword said, looking incensed. "I most definitely don't have any control over whether that.. That horrible excuse of a mammal wanted to murder anything - I'm a _sword_." 

His pretty and venomous red glare swept over Kagami. "I can't even make _you_ stop touching me." 

He did, however, push the tip of the sword away from poking his sleeve. 

"Wait, so you aren't a mind-controlling sword?" 

The sword flicked his hair back out of his face and _glared_ at Kagami. 

"Okay, so that's a no. But the blood-sucking -" 

"Anything if used often enough to _kill_ living creatures," the sword said, "can absorb said life-force. _If_ it's well-made and well-crafted." The sword didn't say _dumbass_ but it was heavily implied. 

"So you _want_ to keep killing people indiscriminately!" 

"I most certainly didn't ask for _sentinence_ ," the sword snapped, "Nor did I ask to be a sword used and wielded by clumsy uneducated oafs!" 

Kagami didn't stab the sword down into the floorboards but it was a close thing. For all the elegant beauty of the huge ass sword, it was also heavy as fuck. 

(His wrists were starting to ache.) 

"Hey, I'm not uneducated, you… you giant-ass _sword_! I could have you melted down!" 

"Illiterate," the sword sniffed. "You can't even read my _name_." 

Kagami blinked, and looked down at the sword. Hed been distracted by the keen edge of the sword, but carved in delicate seal-script was something that almost looked like - 

"Something… space…" he sounded out, reaching down to trace the delicate, but deep strokes on the metal. 

The sword shuddered, and strode up to him, hefting up the blade with bare hands that made _Kagami_ twitch, and smacked Kagami's hand away from the words. "Tobira _ma_ ," he said. "Do you even have a name, mammal?" 

"Uchiha Kagami," Kagami said indignantly. "Stop calling me mammal, sword!" 

"I'll stop when you stop calling me _sword_ ," the sword - no, Tobirama - said. "Uchiha." his gaze turned speculative. 

Considering that he was basically in Kagami's _space_ , it was only fortunate that the - sword - was taller than him by significant inches that he wasn't staring _into_ Kagami's face. 

"An Uchiha. _Nobility_ ," Tobirama said. 

"Yeah? You got a thing against that?" Kagami said. 

"It means that you're just a poor specimen of the noble clan," Tobirama said, decisively, and reached down to pick up the scabbard. "I shall go with you." 

"You don't exactly have a _choice_ whether you're going with me anywhere," Kagami said. "In fact, who said I was going to be taking you anywhere?" 

Tobirama sniffed at him. "As you've so kindly pointed out, I am but a sword. I however have no wish to be used to _kill_ people." 

"Like you can do anything else, what else can you want to do?" 

"I wish," Tobirama said, starting to put the scabbard onto the sword. "To be a scholar." 

"A _what_ ," Kagami blurted. 

"There must be someone more intelligent and educated than you in your noble Uchiha clan," Tobirama said, and slapped the scabbard to the hilt and vanished. 

Kagami overbalanced, dropped the sword on his feet. 

"Ow, fucking _ow_!"

* * *

Because the mission had not been projected to take very long, maybe only a week at _most_ , Kagami hadn't brought any of the bigger storage scrolls. 

Besides the fact that lugging a giant storage scroll along on a very simple mission would have slowed him down significantly, it wasn't like Kagami qualified for having one of the intermediate sized ones _anyway_. He had two small storage scrolls, more than enough for several witness testimonies, a finger, and some rations if he was _really_ going to be stuck somewhere in the wilderness and not be able to steal food along the way. 

(When they'd sent Kagami on _this_ mission, they'd _obviously_ not intended for him to bring back more than a few dismembered body-parts. Wasn't like Kagami typically left _heads_ intact, after all.) 

He was, however, currently regretting not having a larger scroll. 

"Fucking Senju and their fucking monopoly thanks to their fucking marriage," he grunted as he wrestled the straps of the stupid Big Sword Tobirama to his back. Unlike the asshole he'd killed earlier, nothing of his current outfit was very conducive for hooking the giant Sword's straps to; if he tried hooking them to his belt like his ninjato, his belt and pants would fall down from the sheer weight. 

And that was assuming he could get out the door without clattering and taking out several of the shoji screens along with him. 

He finally had to appropriate the shitty futon cover and use _that_ to tie the sword to his back, the grey-white of the thin fabric stark against his navy-blue clothing. 

He looked like a vagabond. 

"Fantastic," he said, and climbed onto the window sill. 

The sword whacked him on the heels just as he leapt, and then the hilt slapped him in the back of the head when he pinwheeled upright. 

"Fucking _sword_!"

* * *

When he finally straggled back into the compound, his legs and head felt so bruised up that he didn't have anything more than a narrow-eyed glare for the guards who looked askance at his appearance. 

Instead he lugged himself and the giant sword to his small set of quarters and finally hacked off the straps. "Ancestors," he groaned, swinging the sword around so it wouldn't just drop on the floor. "You're _stupidly_ heavy." 

"It's not my fault you are clearly weak," Tobirama said. 

Kagami jumped. "How on earth are you manifesting like _that_ , I hadn't drawn you!" 

Tobirama snorted and didn't answer, just looking around his room. 

Judging him. 

Kagami could _feel_ the sword in his hands judge him too. 

He dropped the sword on his table with a clatter, then glared at how damn big it was. 

It was almost twice as long as his table's _length_. 

"Don't you _dare_ ," Tobirama said before Kagami could unceremoniously deposit the sword on the floor. 

"You're taking up all the space," Kagami said. "I have to write my report!" 

"Oh? You can _write_?" 

"... of course I can," Kagami said. "Do you need proof?" 

"You act like an illiterate sellsword," Tobirama said. "Of course I don't believe you can write your name, let alone write a _report_." 

"Well, I'll prove you _wrong_ ," Kagami snapped, going to scrounge for his writing materials, slapping the paper on to the desk, his brush-stand rattling a little. 

The sword leaned over, watching him intently as he ground the inkstick against the inkstone.

Just to spite Tobirama's judgemental stare, Kagami actually made the effort to write his report out as neatly as he could manage. 

"Oh," Tobirama breathed, as Kagami delicately placed the strokes in his kanji. 

"What," Kagami said. 

"You're - that's actual writing," the sword said, quietly. 

"Of course it is," Kagami said, "have you not ever _seen_ it?" 

The sword was silent for a moment. 

"No," he finally admitted. 

Kagami blinked. "And after all that yelling at me for being illiterate," he realised, "you're the one who can't actually _read_." 

Tobirama looked up at him. "I never claimed I could," he said.

"Ha," Kagami said, as he signed off his report, and stamped his inkan with a flourish he couldn't help, not with the bright, wide-eyed gaze the sword was giving him. " _Illiterate_ ," he said triumphantly. 

"So you'll teach me," Tobirama said, simple, firm, and completely unwavering as steel. 

"What," Kagami said.

* * *

Teaching Tobirama kana was easy enough, he still could draw up the chart from having it drilled into him as a child. 

The kanji, that was a little harder. 

The worst part, though, was how _fast_ Tobirama picked it up. He learned and memorized all of the kana, both hiragana and katakana in less than a day, and then started demanding that Kagami read out all his few books and scrolls he actually had. 

And because Tobirama wanted to _concentrate_ , Kagami had to hold the sword UP against the book too. 

"How are you able to read that all so _quickly_ , you have no _brain_ ," Kagami protested. 

"I am made of the finest steel," Tobirama said. "Do you even know the _meaning_ of my name?" 

"It's just -" 

"Then be quiet and read this." 

"I can't be quiet _and_ read it out for you at the same time!" 

Tobirama leaned over and jabbed him in the ribs. "Read." 

"Ow! Ow fucking okay - fuck -"

* * *

"Why do you only have books on fighting?" 

"Can't we do anything _else_? Like look, how about we - spar-" 

The sword looked at him. 

"Spar," he said, drily. "You can't even _lift_ me." 

"Says who?" Kagami said, and grabbed the sword from where it was leaning on the desk.

* * *

"Which poor civilian did you rob to get _that?_ " Izuna-sama said when he saw Kagami drag the giant sword out to the nearest courtyard. 

"My last mission," Kagami grunted, hefting it up onto his shoulder. 

"Oh, your trophy of your - what, second solo? Cool." Izuna-sama said, but he was eying the grotty worn leather, and stroking his sword, and no matter how much bravado Kagami would have to front with Tobirama in his own rooms, he didn't dare ask to spar with _Izuna-sama_.

"That's so pretty," Tobirama said as Izuna-sama turned to leave. 

"... what is," Kagami said, watching Izuna-sama's ponytail sway. 

"Those tassels," Tobirama said, and then looked at the scabbard Kagami was holding, his eyes narrowing.

* * *

"That's not Uchiha colours!" Kagami protested. 

"If you let _that_ come anywhere near me," Tobirama hissed in Kagami's ear, "you will regret it for a week." 

"But I'm _Uchiha_ ," Kagami tried. 

"And I am _not_ ," Tobirama said. "That one. That colour." 

The silk was, oddly enough, a shade lighter than the blue haori that Tobirama wore. 

Of _course_ , Kagami grumbled to himself, Tobirama _would_ want to get the least Uchiha colours ever. 

"Fine," Kagami said, "now leave me alone." 

"Kagami-kun?" the uncle manning the leather, silk wrappings and other components table said, looking concerned. "Are you alright?" 

"Fine," Kagami said, "I'm great. I'll take these." 

"They're not Uchiha colours," the uncle said doubtfully. 

"I _know_ ," Kagami said loudly. 

"I want those too," Tobirama said, pointing at the pair of silver tassels on silvery silk cord.

That cost probably a small little solo-mission all of its own. 

"Seriously?" Kagami hissed. 

"Seriously. Or else," Tobirama said. 

"What can you actually do to me anyway?" Kagami said. 

"Kagami-kun?" the uncle said. 

"Swords don't need to sleep," Tobirama said. 

"I'll take those silver tassels too," Kagami said.

* * *

Tobirama took two long, painful weeks to read every book Kagami had. 

And that was with breaks, since while Kagami got reacquainted with the skills necessary to literally pull apart the sword's anatomy, make some new pins, get new wood for the hilt, Tobirama would demand he wrap the tsuka-ito properly, attach the tassels just so. 

And he even demanded Kagami take him along to the woodworker to get a proper mount and scabbard made… 

And then inspected _every_ piece of wood . 

And of _course_ he would demand the most expensive cedar. Absolutely _straight_ grained cedar, with no knots whatsoever. 

"You couldn't just pick ebony?" Kagami demanded. "Maple, even?" 

"It won't set off the silver fittings properly," Tobirama sniffed. 

"You can barely _see_ the silver fittings!" 

"That's the _point_ ," Tobirama said. "Silver on pale wood is _elegant_ , gold on dark woods is just vulgar." 

"Izuna-sama's sword has gold on -" Kagami started then realised. "Oh. _oh_. You're _jealous_ of Izuna-sama's _sword_!" 

"I have no idea what you're talking about." 

"You are, you're actually jealous of his _sword_! I didn't know swords could get _jealous_!" 

"Get more books for me to read," Tobirama said, ignoring Kagami's gleeful cackles, "Or else." 

"Or else what, you'll keep me up making me hold you to the books? Hah. Not likely. I can sharingan you to sleep if I have to!"

* * *

So apparently, even if they were very red, and very pretty eyes, apparently a sword's spirit… manifestation … didn't actually have real eyes. 

Worse: swords _really_ didn't need to sleep.

* * *

It was maybe the books that were the worst. 

Kagami knew how to refit a sword, that was fine, it was basic training for most of the Uchiha, even the shinobi who only tended to use kunai to supplement genjutsu. It was a point of pride that _all_ Uchiha, civilian and shinobi, should know how to judge a sword and take care of one, alright? 

And really, in a way, refitting Tobirama was fairly easy - he only had to replace the hilt with cedar, and then redo the tsuka-ito three times (first because he'd done it poorly, the other times was because Tobirama got _fussy_ about how the silk had to lie just so), and then the sageo twice, before Tobirama was willing to be dragged out of the house again for sparring. 

(Why would Tobirama care about the sageo being just _right_ , the whole function of the damn silk cord was to keep it tied to him, it wasn't like Kagami was out to impress anyone with his sageo tying skills.) 

Sparring was fine. Even for a fucking long sword - "An odachi. I'm an _odachi_ , you ignoramus." - the balance was pretty good, and if he had to figure out a way to hang Tobirama from the ceiling to properly sharpen and care for the blade and _somehow_ still avoid walking into Tobirama chest first every day, well apparently that was just the way you had to deal with big ass long swords. 

Kagami was an _Uchiha_ after all. He knew how to take care of _swords_ , even if Tobirama judged him from the middle of the room if he started taking care of his completely utilitarian, boring, but ultimately far more _convenient_ , ninjato. 

But it was the books that was the issue. 

After a point, Kagami realised that Tobirama didn't need to be drawn to manifest, but whether it was because of the fact Kagami had lugged the huge hunk of metal all the way back from the city to the Uchiha compound on his back, or because Tobirama was a prissy princess, Tobirama didn't deign to elaborate. But apparently he needed - or wanted, there was almost no difference to _Tobirama_ \- Kagami to hold him while flipping pages or unrolling scrolls, and Tobirama got very _prissy_ if Kagami just left him leaning on an open book and tried to go to sleep. 

A full week of prodding him and _talking_ incessantly at him all _night_ sort of prissy. 

Oh and also Tobirama could choose to glow like a full moon if he wanted to keep Kagami awake. 

The full moon was the complete _bane_ of shinobi everywhere, and a full-moon's glow right next to your _face_ when you were trying to sleep after spending all night reading _A complete treatise on the sword play techniques in Lightning country_ \- aka holding up a fucking odachi with one hand while flipping pages with the other - was no joke at all. 

And short of melting the odachi down into slag, there was nothing in Kagami's Uchiha arsenal of genjutsu to get Tobirama to _stop_ fucking _glowing_. 

One of the best up and coming Uchiha besides Madara-sama and Izuna-sama, who had shown his ability at the age of four when he'd gotten woken up by his cousin's infant daughter screaming her heart out with colic, and then put her to sleep with a flash of his sharingan. Kagami. Him. And he couldn't get to sleep for weeks if he didn't read to his fucking _sword_. 

"I'm not actually asking you to _read_ to me," Tobirama said. "Your pronunciation is atrocious. Now get me these books." 

Oh no , the worst of the book-reading was: Tobirama took less than a week to go from being a complete illiterate _sword_ to correcting Kagami on his pronunciation of esoteric kanji, finished all of Kagami's books in two weeks, and then started demanding he buy _fancy_ books. 

Why would he want those? Where did he find out about them? As far as Kagami was concerned, books outside of his own bookshelves didn't fucking _exist_. 

But Tobirama had apparently found _references_. Like the author of the entire series of treatises on sword fighting techniques of the five major elemental countries referenced something on spirituality, which, fair enough, sword-fighting was meditative sometimes - but then Tobirama wanted to read that. 

Then that book had the gall to reference five other things on religion, strategy, and for some cursed reason, _poetry_. 

Why would there be poetry in _spirituality_? Or swordfighting?! 

"You're ordering a lot of books," Madara-sama noted as Kagami accepted the parcel from their daily deliveries. 

"Yeah," Kagami said because what else was he supposed to say? No, I'm not ordering books? It was obvious. 

Madara-sama poked at the stack, blithely opening the brown paper wrapping before Kagami could squirrel them away. ".... on the relationship between environment and bladed techniques. That's a little… uh, scholarly for you?" 

Kagami shrugged, trying not to drop the books. "I got interested?" 

"Hm." Madara-sama poked another of his books and. ".... and poetry." 

His eyebrows went straight up into his hair. 

"It came free with the others," Kagami said hurriedly, hastily wrapping them up again and shoving them under his arm and bowing to run back to his room. Not, however, fast enough _not_ to hear: 

"Maybe he has fallen in love and wants to woo 'em?" Izuna-sama said. 

"Except that's a socio-historical analysis of poetry from two hundred years ago," Madara-sama said, obviously perplexed. 

"He's gotten quite intellectual reading these past few days," Izuna-sama said. 

"Strange," Madara-sama agreed.

* * *

"And now the others think I'm a _scholar_ ," Kagami said. "Which I am NOT." 

"You're most definitely not," Tobirama agreed. "A scholar would never store _that_ analysis on poetry with that philosopher." 

"They're both fucking Legalists," Kagami snapped. "They can go on the same bookshelf together. Besides, I am running out of _space_." 

"Get new bookshelves," Tobirama agreed. "I'm almost done with this new lot of books. I want more on the School of Naturalists." 

"They're basically Taoists!" Kagami exclaimed. "I have an entire shelf of Taoists here!" 

"The School of Yin-yang is a _distinct_ school from Taoism," Tobirama corrected. "And besides you should be more interested in them, since they are _obviously_ the basics for your chakra theory." 

"Why can't you read more on _that_ instead?" Kagami said, but took the list of new books Tobirama dropped on his table. 

"What does a sword care about chakra theory?" Tobirama said. "Oh and I need more books on seal-script."

* * *

Kagami started gaining a reputation for being a scholar. It was _tragic_. 

It wasn't like he could say it was for his _sword_ ; no one else could see Tobirama. All that it looked like to anyone else who wasn't Kagami was him cursing the thin air around him while he struggled to learn to use the odachi without braining himself. 

But when someone happened, just Happened, to mention something about the politics about Water country, Kagami absently corrected them on the reasons because it had been something about the revival of a poetry form that had been popular twenty years ago, and now everyone thought he was some sort of fucking intellectual. 

Hikaku even said that his genjutsu had improved remarkably, though at the detriment of his sword-play which Kagami was going to blame entirely on Tobirama because who the fuck needed a sword who would stand around and criticize his stance constantly? 

It resulted in Kagami being sent to the court _all the time_ with Madara-sama for some reason, and his grandmother was _proud_ of Kagami. And Kagami's grandmother showing _favour_ was way more terrifying than when she thought he was merely a mochi-thief. She gave him _books_ on calligraphy, which only Tobirama appreciated. And she had one of Kagami's older cousins beat him up and down the training yards to improve his dodging skills, which Kagami most definitely didn't appreciate. 

Going to court more often meant he got given _more_ poetry, and the most horrifying thing was… he could actually start to see how absolutely _atrocious_ they were, because these were obviously imitating the Lightning style of poetry from ten years ago, but with the wrong kind of imagery. In a fit of pique while Tobirama judged the calligraphy displayed in their guest suites, Kagami wrote back actual critique to one particularly shitty example of poetry, telling the noble to a) choose a proper form of poetry, b) use better imagery and get a fucking dictionary, and c) learn to write better, didn't he have any fucking pride? 

… 

All that meant was he got ten times as much poetry. 

Fuck.

* * *

Maybe it could have gone on like that. Kagami becoming some sort of pseudo-intellectual by osmosis and mistake, and never getting to see more than a quarter of his floor ever again, because his room was full of bookshelves. Sounded like a life he could get resigned to. 

Oh and also getting better at wielding an odachi who judged him at all times, but what was new, Tobirama never seemed to do anything but judge. 

He was getting used to that, since Tobirama also judged all the books' authors anyway, and if it meant getting him more books so he'd judge those instead of Kagami's stance, it would be great. Plus, it wasn't like any of those other authors knew how to oil and sharpen an odachi correctly, nor make a proper mounting. 

Tobirama was now fitted up much prettier than Izuna-sama's katana if he thought so himself, and when he'd said that, Tobirama had blinked and then … not bothered him for an entire fortnight except to go practice calligraphy when Kagami wasn't training with the odachi.

Being an intellectual was fine. Was _great_. Scholar by osmosis, for some reason, and he got paid quite a bit in better food and high grade weapons oil for accompanying Madara-sama a lot to court, and that was where he figured out that insulting the Senju to their faces with fancy words that they took a whole _day_ to analyse really pleased Madara-sama (and the Daimyo, because far less buildings burned down with Madara-sama's temper), and all he had to do was tolerate bad poetry. 

Life was…. Decent, grandmother made noises about Kagami becoming ambassador or something, though he would rebel if he had to be sent to _Earth Country_ , they were fucking barbarians there and tobirama hated their calligraphy. 

Right until Izuna-sama woke the entire compound screaming. 

"What the hell - who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed?!" 

Kagami grabbed Tobirama and rushed out towards the main house, only to realise there was a hell lot of screaming going on too, people yelling about _Strangers_ and then … 

_Ghosts_. 

Izuna-sama was screaming and then trying to stab a - boy? A young man, with pale and dark hair and - 

The young man was looking mildly bewildered, and dressed like… 

"Oh good, it worked," Tobirama said, striding forward while Kagami blinked. 

"Who - what happened, why am I _here_?" the strange young man said, as Izuna-sama gaped in… 

_Tobirama's_ direction. 

"Tobirama," Kagami said, with some dawning realization, "What did you _do_?" 

Tobirama shrugged. 

"That is not my fucking sword," Izuna-sama said. "Kagami, tell me that's not my fucking sword!" 

"I have a name, mammal," the young man snapped, and his eyes were red as Tobirama's. 

Oh no.

"What is your name?" Tobirama said, ignoring Izuna's screaming. "Mine is Tobirama." 

The young man looked at Tobirama, and then at Izuna. "I like the sound of that. I'll be something similar. Itama." 

"My sword is not going to be called _space between floor boards_!" Izuna screeched. "What kind of name is that?!" 

"Well technically," Kagami said, "It's a Buddhist concept?" 

"Not helpful," Izuna-sama snapped. 

"What the hell is this?" Madara-sama roared and Kagami looked up to see Madara-sama, wild-eyed and messier than usual, swinging his gunbai around and - 

A pale haired young man looking around in bewildered interest. 

"For fuck's sake Tobirama, _everyone's_ weapons?" 

"I was," Tobirama said, smiling mildly, "lonely."

**Author's Note:**

> OMAKE
> 
> Kagami: well, haunted sword, SUCK ME. 
> 
> tobirama: no, you're too young. 
> 
> Kagami: GHOST. YEET.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Madara: why is my gunbai an actual CHILD
> 
> Gunbai: I am not a child! I'm older than you! and I have a name! 
> 
> Madara; what is it then? 
> 
> Gunbai: ..... *looks at Tobirama* what's your name? 
> 
> Tobirama: Tobirama
> 
> Gunbai: Oh cool. I'll be Kawarama then. 
> 
> Madara: SPACE BETWEEN WHAT. Kagami what the fuck? 
> 
> Kagami: *sighs heavily* it's a Buddhist concept. 
> 
> Madara; *screeches*
> 
> * * *
> 
> NOTES
> 
> Randomly, the cedar that Tobriama insisted on using is this: 
> 
> https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1250287741247426565.html Daisugi forestry, or very likely, known as pollarding. Similar method is also coppicing.
> 
> This fic owes inspiration to Jubokko, as seen [on wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jubokko), which while a relatively modern youkai folklore, has shown up in various incarnations in various anime, meaning that the odachi in this fic is actually a sword-form of a jubokko, albeit one which doesn't actually feel much urge to go killing people. One of the other biggest inspirations is actually a character from gintama, [Okada Nizou](https://gintama.fandom.com/wiki/Okada_Nizou) who was in turn based on history - his behaviour was based on [tsujigiri](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tsujigiri), aka crossroad fights, which is basically the idea of when a samurai goes and kills people when testing a sword. Most of these crossroad killings probably took place during the lawlessness of the Warring States era, which, coincidentally (or... not) actually is what Founders Era is based on. So... there you go. Some history.


End file.
